I got ready for my movie date and left my bag by my bed. I didn’t need the card, we were driving. I walked to the bus stop this afternoon and realized it wasn’t in my bag where I’d left it.
I called out of work. I guess I need a break anyway, because working 7 days straight has been draining me.
I enjoyed my movie date, and learned a lot from him. We talked about everything we’ve been thinking about and feeling towards each other and the others we’ve been dating for the past year.
He asked me why I thought I was ready for that next phase of life, when I wasn’t really satisfied with this version of myself. In a way I took offense, he didn’t know me that well to assume I was just satisfied. I love myself, more than I used to. I take care of myself, and I fight myself everyday to love myself and not let anyone take it away from me.
I am more than satisfied, but it doesn’t erase my desires to want more for me. I want more because I love myself. So why is it so weird to want more for myself, with someone else?
I need to bring something to the table, because no partnership is complete without exchange. Whether it’s money, connects, info, love, whatever the fuck it is….you have to bring something to the table. I fully understand that even if I can’t verbalize it.
I just don’t see why two people can’t remain individuals and still be a unit together that works towards a common goal. You can both be who you are, without shedding the core aspects of your personality. I know love changes you, relationships change you, and children change you. But does it change the very core of your existence? The aura that you embody that resonates through this universe as your personal stamp….you; the only you there is? I know responsibilities shift, and your goals may change with time and experience…but you still retain your core self through all that.
So why is it impossible to be with someone, as a unit, as a family, and build the foundation for the future of your children and your old age retirement days, and still have a room for yourself to write, paint, record, sing, knit, watch football in, just for yourself?
Do you have to share every single molecule of your being with your partner?
Can you keep something just for yourself?
And if that answer is yes, then why can’t I have that right now?
I looked all over the room for this metro card. I can’t believe it’s nowhere to be found. While I searched, I just kept thinking about what he said, about me wanting something that was heavier than I could imagine, and he not wanting to go back there. And in that moment, I understood, that he and I were at different places in our lives, and our paths were crossing in a plane of friendship, with a future neither one of us knew of.
I think if I keep searching to better myself, and working towards becoming who I am to be in the future…the rocks will fall where they’re supposed to. But I’d rather have kids because I choose to not because I have to. I’d rather be in a loving relationship, and not someone’s temporary high.
I just want to keep my big screen TV in my purple and peach decorated football Sunday and Monday room. I don’t mind sharing…but it’s mine!
I found three metro cards in the mess that was my room….it’s got to be one of them.
